Sunday, November 13, 2011
My life is really, really great right now. I just want to get that out there :) I am in a great relationship, and for the first time in a very long time feel like I'm in a fairly stable place, and am very okay with that. Also, after a visit from my parents I am reminded just how incredibly lucky I am to have them as parents. Now, on to blogging.
For the past few years my life has been all about change and turbulence, and any time it threatened to get stable I would get a panicky feeling that I was going to get trapped in the place I was at. For the next few years I think my life will still have a lot of change; I like the challenge of trying new things and I love new adventures. I don't expect that to change anytime soon, but maybe the change will not be quite as frequent as it was in college.
I've been surfing youtube a lot lately, and other than discovering Jenna Marbles' video blog, which is pretty fantasticly weird and hilarious, I also like watching music videos. Now, it shouldn't really come as a surprise that I was listening/watching Taylor Swift music videos. On the little sidebar of suggestions I saw her video "White Horse" pop up and I had a little flash memory.
The first time I ever heard this song I had a really strong emotional response, it eerily resembled my first real relationship. The general message of the song is "its too late to catch me now." I still feel empowered by those lyrics. I tried to live by this attitude as much as I could, and after years of struggling, at some point, it became absolutely true.
I look at the person I have become and all that I've experienced and accomplished over the past 4 years and I am really proud that I didn't let the past hold me back; not any of it. I never want to lose my sense of adventure, and I never want to take on a defeated attitude. Almost everyone has been hurt at some point, and almost everyone has hurt someone. It is how we react in these situations that determine where our future lies.
If you haven't heard it: enjoy! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1Xr-JFLxik&ob=av3n
Friday, September 30, 2011
Monday, August 15, 2011
1.) Others Actions
2.) Life events that seem "unfair"
I hate even writing number 2 because I absolutely hate the word "unfair" or ever saying "its not fair." I was raised to believe that those words should not exist in my vocabulary. However, as I looked more in depth at the source of my frustration, I have to say it came from that. I guess the solution to this is the same as always, focus on what is in my control and don't dwell on the rest. Even though we don't always see the immediate recourse of our actions, in the end working hard and doing the right thing seems to pay off.
As for number one, I really need to get a grip. I have really been getting caught up on past actions of people who hurt me, which is making it more difficult for me to move on. I know that I'm not a robot, which means I can't control my every thought, but I can keep myself from dwelling on things. I can keep work on not holding myself back. I can focus on the fact that I've learned from my mistakes and misjudgments and am living according to the lessons I've learned. The second kind of people that have bothered me are people whose actions are sub par, at least by my standards. I know it is absolutely ridiculous and hypocritical of me to say this after getting up on my soap box in my last blog about "living and let live" but hey, it happens. Its frustrating to find out people are being rewarded for bad behavior and can be discouraging when it directly affects you.
However, as someone wise once told me "don't worry about it, the cream will rise to the top." Maybe it makes me sound arrogant, but I just mean this in the general sense, not referring to myself in particular. People will be rewarded for their actions, good or bad.
On a more cheery note, life is going pretty dang good. I know it may be hard to believe from the vent session above, but don't let that fool you. I am so incredibly busy at work and after-work life I am struggling a little to balance everything. What's new, right? Luckily, this week I've slowed things down a bit so I primarily am just busy from work. I really like my job. I feel incredibly lucky to have gotten on a team with so much knowledge, and not only that, most of them are willing to share it with me. Even though sometimes they are the most frustrating parts, my favorite parts are the challenges and crunchtime deadlines that push me too my limits. Aaaannywhoo, that's all you guys get for now. I am completely and utterly exhausted, its time to hit the sack!
Saturday, July 23, 2011
"I'm stubborn, impatient and a little bit insecure. At times I can be hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best"
-Marilyn Monroe (with one word tweaked by me)
Recent events have caused me to contemplate shutting this whole blog business down. It's easy to forget that a LOT of people read this. In the end I decided that I just enjoy talking about myself too damn much, so I should maybe just take into account once again that my audience spans many generations and ideologies. Now, as the reader let me ask you to keep in mind that:
a.) This is MY life and although all aspects of it might not be perfect, I'd dare to say so far I've done pretty well for myself.
b.) If you are someone who truly cares about me, that means you love me for being who I am and doing things MY way, not doing them YOUR way; if that was the case I would just be a clone of someone you, and what's the fun in that?
c.) I know that most of you out there who read this truly want what's best for me. I know you want me to set my self up to succeed and also to not set myself up to get hurt. Believe me I want both of those things for myself very much too, and although it may not seem like it at times, I actually do think about my mistakes and everything that has gone wrong quite a bit, and am putting effort to not making the same mistakes more than once.
d.) If you know me, you also know that I am stubborn. I appreciate getting your honest opinion, but give it once and let it go. Overdoing it is just going to prevent me from sharing what is going on in my life with you.
Sorry to go on a rant there, just had to get it out in the open. I have so many topics I want to cover since I haven't been making time to write. I'll start with priority one, and see how far that takes me. A concept that has boggled my mind for a long time now is forgiveness. It first really started to be a subject I thought about.
That being said, I've been wanting to talk about a concept that I've spent a vast majority of my life pondering. Forgiveness. Ever since I became a Christan its been something that has really boggled my mind, and the events of this last year have caused me to think about it a lot as well.
When I was younger, I believed that I should forgive everyone an unlimited number of times for whatever "sin" they had caused. I battled myself because it was really hard for me to let go of things people had done to me, and it made me feel like I was failing. I never could achieve the "forget" part of forgive and forget, although I did fairly well with the other.
As I've grown up I've come to realize the forgiving everyone for everything is the equivalent to having no backbone. I had a very defining moment this winter where I realized it was time to stop letting the same people walk all over me time after time. But where is the line drawn? What error is an error so big that it is "unforgivable" How many times is too many times? No wonder the Christians decided it would be easier just to make people believe in Jesus...
I honestly don't have a specific definition. I've accepted the fact that I will never be capable of completely letting go and "forgetting" when someone has done me wrong, but that doesn't mean I can't move on and still maintain a friendship/relationship with them. I know as far as guys go I have a basic idea of where forgiveness boundaries lie, but as a friend once told me, I can make as many rules for myself as I want, but its incredibly hard to be objective when it is your own life and you are dealing with a specific situation.
I want to be a good person and I want to be forgiving, because I've sure been forgiven for my fair share of mistakes. I also want to maintain my own dignity and self respect.
I feel like this is one of those issues that I will ponder for most of my life and never have a definite answer to, but I just wanted to write about it. Please feel free to give your opinion, thoughts on the subject, I'm curious as to where everyone else stands.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Other than work, things are on the up and up from last week. I am sufficiently distracted and bouncing back. Not to say that a little uneasiness doesn't creep in every now and then still. I think having to start over SO many times in the last 4 years has left me a bit uneasy about it. When we were giving out random facts about ourselves last week I realized I've actually attended four different colleges in 4 years. That's pretty nuts.
All in all, I am just really excited for what the future holds. I feel like I'm starting off on quite the adventure. Having my own place, forming friends, and beginning my career. It's easy to look at it and be intimidate and sad that I'm growing up, but its also easy to look at it and all the opportunities it leads to, which is what I am choosing to do. So here's to me, enjoying the moment and living life to the fullest :)
That's all you get for now, its bed time for me! (also, I apologize ahead of time for typos, I wrote this quickly)
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Friend: "At least you like roller coasters"
Me: "not for too long, cuz then they make you puke. I think I'm at the metaphorical puking stage"
Friend: "Yeah dude, I think you need to take a break"
Isn't that just the most entertaining conversation ever? I'm not going to lie, as of right now I'm in one of those places where I really wish I could just erase my memory and not ever have to think about the things that happened in the last couple of months. Unfortunately I can't do that, at least not that I know of, unless that contraption from Men in Black is real and the government is just hiding it from us! (yeah I just went there)
I know I need to shake things off and move on and I am trying really hard to do so. I have no doubt that I'll get there, because I always do. It's hard not to worry about the future though. I am afraid that I won't be able to meet awesome new people now that I'm not in college anymore, or that I'll never find a guy who actually appeals to me on the West side. Or that I will continue my pattern of falling for the wrong ones. Yes, I realize this is absolutely ridiculous and illogical, but hey, its still something that crosses my mind every once in a while.
I am unnerved by the fact that I am a small town girl from Eastern Washington and lots of people on the west side look down upon that. Not because I care what they think, but because it creates a barrier between us, plus we just don't have as many common interests. I I like where I'm from and the people from where I'm from. I hope I can find my niche over here sooner rather than later :)
As far as a life update: I went to my first official day of work on Friday and got all my fancy goodies including a laptop and phone :) I am super excited to start my career at Boeing and cannot wait to see what the future holds. I'm STILL working on unpacking and getting my place in order. Gosh, moving is a pain in the butt. Well, that's about it for now. I have way too much to do and should probably get back to it!
Till next time <3
Thursday, June 2, 2011
I found this quote on someone's facebook profile and I dig it. It's a good motto and fits with the attitude I am trying my best to achieve. Recent events and my current situation have caused me to do a lot of reflecting. I'll be honest, right now is not the easiest time for me to be happy. I don't do well when I have absolutely nothing to do because it leaves me too much time to think.
Just like most of the people I know, I try my very hardest to live my life without regrets. For me, at least in the past year, this usually meant trying new things and taking risks that pushed me out of my comfort zone. However, I think after my three most current relationship attempts(yes 3, I realize its a lot) I've learned something new. Sometimes living without regrets means holding holding yourself back. Sometimes the happiness something gives you in the moment is not worth the pain its repercussions will cause later. I think it is a very precarious balance between the two extremes that I most likely will never get exactly right, but hey, I'm human so its okay :)
I do know that it is important to focus on the good in my life instead of the bad, and to embrace where I'm at. That's my current challenge for myself. As we get older, time seems to move faster and faster, and it seems like everyone is always like "what I wouldn't give to go back to my single years, or college years, or high school years, etc. " It's extremely hard for me not to get caught up in trying to rush into whatever the next phase of my life is. For the first time in my life, I am getting a completely fresh start. Like I said, I want to embrace it.
Every single other time I have "started over" I have been also starting a long distance relationship. What is wrong with that picture? Seriously what is wrong with me that I continue to get myself into the same situation over and over again? So for once, I am starting with a completely clean slate. My focus will not be anywhere but with beginning my life Seattle, and I will not be fighting the endless emotional battle of trying not to let a relationship consume me. I REALLY want to take advantage of this opportunity and just live it up and have a blast . I LOVE being single. For reals. I know most girls say that but are actually lying, but I actually mean it. Right now I'm not all that happy about it, but I know I will get there. My general level of happiness thus far is MUCH higher when I am on my own. I am more confident and literally have no worries. I just need to do a better job at keeping it that way. After this last year I have confirmed more than once that I am not capable of having flings. I just can't do it. I get to attached and its not worth it. Quite frankly, I don't think I want to be the kind of girl who is okay with flings. Although it is fine for some people, it is hard for me to respect myself when I feel like I am just allowing a guy to take advantage of me, even if its supposedly what I want to. Maybe growing up in a small town with conservative parents made me a little bit traditional.
Hopefully I will do a better job keeping myself unattached at least for a while. It will take me improving my self control and will power, har har. I need to focus on building friendships and kicking ass in my career first and foremost. We like what we're good at and clearly I'm not to great at relationships, but I seem to be awesome at being single, so right now that's good enough for me. <3
Sorry, I know this post is rambly but I had a lot of different thoughts I wanted to get out. I will get back on track to more focused blogs in the next one hopefully!
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Saturday, February 19, 2011
So I'm really sorry about not being on the ball with my blogging. I was planning on switching over to a video blog via youtube buuut I tried that and I think I like writing better. I am going to continue to upload videos of my adventures to my youtube channel. I have one from Tokyo square (well that's what I'm going to call it; its not its real name) and I have a couple from Disney. I think you guys will like it J I'll put the links at the bottom of the blog so you can watch them if you want.
So lets start at the beginning. We got of the flight and walked into the airport following color coded signs through customs and such. Everything went incredibly smoothly and we met up with Shoji just fine. The first thing I noticed in the airport was the abundance of vending machines. They are a little different looking than ours, but basically the same idea. On top of selling drinks they also have machines that sell cigarettes and supposedly even vending machines for underwear? I didn't see any of those though. One cool thing about the vending machines is that they have both hot and cold drinks; if it is a hot drink the whole bottle is heated. The first purchase I made was a drink that tasted like cherries. It was pretty delicious J Not long after we got there, Shoji told us " Welcome to Japan, everything is smaller here" Lol! It's true though! Most drinks are 8 oz or less, and the clothing and shoes are actually in my size! Sometimes I'm even a medium!
It was probably a 1.5 hour trip from the airport to our hostel if walking time and train time are included. By the time we go there we were completely exhausted. There was talk of going out on the town for the night, but thankfully the majority decision was to rest up. We also learned that if you go out for the night you are out for the WHOLE night. The trains shut down after 10pm so everyone has to stay out till 5:00am. We didn't end up going out which I was actually glad about. The clubs had really high cover charges and we were always really wiped out after a day of adventuring.
The first day Shoji wanted to show us some tourist attractions so we went and saw Tokyo tower. The view from the top was intense. It made us realize just how incredibly massive the city was. After that we headed to downtown Tokyo which I REALLY enjoyed. There were giant screens everywhere with advertisements flashing and it was really fun to just people watch. I've talked to some of you about this already but oh my gosh I LOVE the style in Japan. I'm definitely not a fashionista or anything but the girls outfits were so cute! The most common look was shorts or a skirt with tights/leggings/knee socks and boots. Totally outfits I would like to wear, and even though there was a common thing, everyone also had a really unique look. Even the guys were fashionable; there was a lot of 3 piece suits, Italian shoes, and fancy haircuts.
The second day we went to Disney Sea at Tokyo Disney. It was awesome! I haven't been to Disneyland since I was really young so I could appreciate the architecture and amount of details in each attraction a lot more. Arial's house was incredibly beautiful, and there was a really, really cool "inside the earth" attracting that had a very realistic looking volcano that actually erupted.
I also want to talk about the food for a minute. I LOVE trying new foods and I really, really liked Japanese food. I didn't get to try all that much, but I liked all of it. The first night we had teriyaki chicken, which sounds lame, but was exquisite. It is definitely not the same as teriyaki chicken in the U.S. The second meal I tried was curry-noodle soup. I think this was my favorite. It was packed with flavor. Shoji was shocked that all of us girls finished our meals, there was A LOT of soup consumed. In the evening we went to a Japanese place Shoji picked and he ordered for us. We tried a kind of salad, dumpings, potstickers, a seafood medley, calamari, and marinated chicken kabob-like things.
Over all it was a good trip. I am really glad I went on the Japan leg not only because it was an awesome place to visit, but also because I got to know the other people in my group a lot better. Oh yeah, and also because I got to sleep in a cupboard bed and pretend like I was harry potter J I will post pictures of this later so you understand what I'm talking about…….but yeah, the beds in our room at the hostel were literally cupboards. It was pretty legit.
Okay! Well I'll try to write more often now that I've established a blogging game plan. I have to figure out a way to get it to work though because sometimes its blocked in china. There are ways around the firewall though so hopefully it won't take me long to figure one of those out. So my friends, until next time!
quote of the day: Take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you’ve never been hurt, because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you’ll never get back.Here's my video :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-2Lt2FnZ2U
Monday, February 14, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
I also have avoided writing a blog because I don't know what to write. I have so many emotions going through me, and I jump from one emotion to the next so quickly that I'm having trouble sorting it out for myself.
I'm the kind of person that decides what they want, and then goes after it with everything that I've got. Whether its a sport, goal, friend, or boyfriend; its just how I roll. Call it determination, stubbornness, or whatever else you like. This approach to life has worked fairly well for me for the most part. I can blow through a lot of obstacles, and when I get knocked on my ass, I am so focused that I just shake it off and keep going. Sometimes though the obstacle is too big; its impossible to mow over or dodge, like a very, solid, large brick wall. However, I charge full speed ahead because that's what I do. Eventually I hit the wall and KABLAMO! I'm down for the count, sitting on the ground seeing stars, wondering how the hell I got there.
I've hit the wall enough times to have a little perspective. I know I will be okay and I know I just have to wait it out. That doesn't make it suck less right now though. I feel really helpless at the moment, and I don't like it, not one bit. For once, I don't know what to do to fix it other than wait it out. Not to sound like spoiled kid, but I freaking hate not getting what I want! haha
I leave for China in a little over 2 weeks. Craaaaazy. As with everything else in my life; I'm very conflicted. On one hand I'm really bitter and angry about going. I feel like it is kind of ruining my life (not to sound melodramatic or anything) On the other hand, I know that leaving for 9 weeks really can't be the sole cause of destruction. Along with that I'm really excited for such a crazy adventure and I am going to try my very best to embrace it. I'm excited to make new friends and try new things and buy lots and lots of super cheap stuff :) :) I have faith that the rest of my life with fall together as time goes on. I have an incredible group of people supporting me; I don't know how I get so lucky. On top of that I know I've got a lot going for me, and a lot to look forward to in the next year.
As of right now I'm not sure if the whole "reckless abandon" approach is a good one. I am pretty drained from the emotional roller coaster of the past year, yet there were so many phenomenal times and cherished memories that I can't regret it. I guess I'm going to just have to keep on rolling with the punches.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Most Valuable People:
Kyle - being 10 miles apart was awesome. It was so nice of him to include me in his friends' group and activities
Isaac - for making me laugh, being a great friend as well as a great boyfriend :) Also for making my 21st birthday so much fun when it had the potential to be lousy.
Ben - it's so nice to have a good solid friend I can be my crazy self around, and for skydiving of course
Katharine and Dave - best roommates ever. Seriously.
Dave - for being that glimpse of happiness I needed during a very unhappy stage of my life
Sergey - for being such a good friend to me even after everything went down
Tom & Jesse - best MIS buddies ever
Kerri & Sam - for accepting me into the p-fam so quickly and bringing some much needed girl time into my life.
Paige - I'm so proud of everything you've done and am thankful we've stayed in contact. It meant a lot to me when you came to visit
There's probably a lot more, so sorry if I left you out. I'm really thankful for everyone in my life :)
New People: Sam, Kerri, North, David D, Mark M, Tyler, Jesse, Hank, Jaimie, Brandi, Matt, Kseniya, Big Dave, Brent
Fourth of July at my cabin with family and friends
-being Daisy Duke for Halloween :)
-hanging out with the p-fam in Pullman
-Getting interviews at Google
-meeting so many fantastic people at the internship this summer
-weekends at the cabin
-June in Pullman
-New Years :)
-multiple internship and job offers
-4.0 GPA spring and summer semester
-forcing myself to be more social and make new friends
- winning the 448 project as well as the Business Case Competition :)
Things to do differently in 2011
-not so many failed relationships!
-open to trying new things
- don't let certain people walk all over me