Thursday, June 2, 2011

Here's to new beginings

"The place to be happy is here. The time to be happy is now. The way to be happy is to make others so."

I found this quote on someone's facebook profile and I dig it. It's a good motto and fits with the attitude I am trying my best to achieve. Recent events and my current situation have caused me to do a lot of reflecting. I'll be honest, right now is not the easiest time for me to be happy. I don't do well when I have absolutely nothing to do because it leaves me too much time to think.

Just like most of the people I know, I try my very hardest to live my life without regrets. For me, at least in the past year, this usually meant trying new things and taking risks that pushed me out of my comfort zone. However, I think after my three most current relationship attempts(yes 3, I realize its a lot) I've learned something new. Sometimes living without regrets means holding holding yourself back. Sometimes the happiness something gives you in the moment is not worth the pain its repercussions will cause later. I think it is a very precarious balance between the two extremes that I most likely will never get exactly right, but hey, I'm human so its okay :)

I do know that it is important to focus on the good in my life instead of the bad, and to embrace where I'm at. That's my current challenge for myself. As we get older, time seems to move faster and faster, and it seems like everyone is always like "what I wouldn't give to go back to my single years, or college years, or high school years, etc. " It's extremely hard for me not to get caught up in trying to rush into whatever the next phase of my life is. For the first time in my life, I am getting a completely fresh start. Like I said, I want to embrace it.

Every single other time I have "started over" I have been also starting a long distance relationship. What is wrong with that picture? Seriously what is wrong with me that I continue to get myself into the same situation over and over again? So for once, I am starting with a completely clean slate. My focus will not be anywhere but with beginning my life Seattle, and I will not be fighting the endless emotional battle of trying not to let a relationship consume me. I REALLY want to take advantage of this opportunity and just live it up and have a blast . I LOVE being single. For reals. I know most girls say that but are actually lying, but I actually mean it. Right now I'm not all that happy about it, but I know I will get there. My general level of happiness thus far is MUCH higher when I am on my own. I am more confident and literally have no worries. I just need to do a better job at keeping it that way. After this last year I have confirmed more than once that I am not capable of having flings. I just can't do it. I get to attached and its not worth it. Quite frankly, I don't think I want to be the kind of girl who is okay with flings. Although it is fine for some people, it is hard for me to respect myself when I feel like I am just allowing a guy to take advantage of me, even if its supposedly what I want to. Maybe growing up in a small town with conservative parents made me a little bit traditional.

Hopefully I will do a better job keeping myself unattached at least for a while. It will take me improving my self control and will power, har har. I need to focus on building friendships and kicking ass in my career first and foremost. We like what we're good at and clearly I'm not to great at relationships, but I seem to be awesome at being single, so right now that's good enough for me. <3

Sorry, I know this post is rambly but I had a lot of different thoughts I wanted to get out. I will get back on track to more focused blogs in the next one hopefully!

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