Reckless Abandon

I haven't written in while because I've been going through a bumpy time and I try my best not to write about issues if they affect others in my life. However, I need to write. I wrote a whole blog yesterday, then accidentally deleted it. I'm taking it as a sign that it wasn't what I should of been writing.

I also have avoided writing a blog because I don't know what to write. I have so many emotions going through me, and I jump from one emotion to the next so quickly that I'm having trouble sorting it out for myself.

I'm the kind of person that decides what they want, and then goes after it with everything that I've got. Whether its a sport, goal, friend, or boyfriend; its just how I roll. Call it determination, stubbornness, or whatever else you like. This approach to life has worked fairly well for me for the most part. I can blow through a lot of obstacles, and when I get knocked on my ass, I am so focused that I just shake it off and keep going. Sometimes though the obstacle is too big; its impossible to mow over or dodge, like a very, solid, large brick wall. However, I charge full speed ahead because that's what I do. Eventually I hit the wall and KABLAMO! I'm down for the count, sitting on the ground seeing stars, wondering how the hell I got there.

I've hit the wall enough times to have a little perspective. I know I will be okay and I know I just have to wait it out. That doesn't make it suck less right now though. I feel really helpless at the moment, and I don't like it, not one bit. For once, I don't know what to do to fix it other than wait it out. Not to sound like spoiled kid, but I freaking hate not getting what I want! haha

I leave for China in a little over 2 weeks. Craaaaazy. As with everything else in my life; I'm very conflicted. On one hand I'm really bitter and angry about going. I feel like it is kind of ruining my life (not to sound melodramatic or anything) On the other hand, I know that leaving for 9 weeks really can't be the sole cause of destruction. Along with that I'm really excited for such a crazy adventure and I am going to try my very best to embrace it. I'm excited to make new friends and try new things and buy lots and lots of super cheap stuff :) :) I have faith that the rest of my life with fall together as time goes on. I have an incredible group of people supporting me; I don't know how I get so lucky. On top of that I know I've got a lot going for me, and a lot to look forward to in the next year.

As of right now I'm not sure if the whole "reckless abandon" approach is a good one. I am pretty drained from the emotional roller coaster of the past year, yet there were so many phenomenal times and cherished memories that I can't regret it. I guess I'm going to just have to keep on rolling with the punches.