Yay College!

So I am sitting here in one of my favorite study places; the quiet lounge in the cub. I need to be studying and preparing for a study group I have in approx 25 minutes, but my focus is shot. This has been a crazy week, and my brain can only take so much studying/craziness. So instead of working on some fun fun Finance 325 problems, I'm gonna write!

Ever since graduating high school, it has been hard for me to grasp how incredibly fast life changes. It seems as if in college one week your life seems set: the friends you hang out with, the people you're dating, they way classes are going, you're plans for the future. Then Kablamo! some event takes place and your world is flipped. New plans, new friends; completely different circumstances.

At first, this new way of life was really hard for me to adjust to. Western was kind of a disaster, well at least the first quarter. I learned how to roll with the punches though, and every time my world got flipped I recovered a little faster.

So, here I am again, in a similar position. Recent events have substantially changed my daily life. My plan was to graduate this year because Ernst and Young said I had to if I wanted to work for them. I was cool with that because I wasn't that happy at school, but by then end of Spring semester I was definitely feeling the Pullman love. When I decided EY wasn't for me I didn't think about the fact that I could stay longer. It was only during interviews that it occurred to me: "Hey, I could stay longer if I wanted, but I don't know what classes I would take" As a result, I proceeded with interviews

As I was studying away for my insanely ridiculously hard Finance exam, I realized how much I thoroughly enjoy the material I'm learning. How much it fits with my obsession to save money and always get the best deals. My finance teacher (who is awesome, even if his tests are a little excessive) has already tried to convince me to take more classes, but I'm going to China next semester. Getting a financial background would be ideal as I could work in Information Systems for finance departments; not many people have both skills.

As I have already gotten the ball rolling on interviews at a couple awesome places, I'm not sure that staying for a semester/year will be an option. All I know is that I am incredibly tired of getting comfortable in a place and then having to completely uproot again. Probably nothing will come of these ponderings because although finance is awesome, I'm not sure it awesome enough for me to miss out on making $55,000.

Pessimistic Romantic

I'm a pessimistic person when it comes to relationships. I got into the "serious relationship game" early, and had it blow up in my face. The worst of these experiences leaving me confused and having no faith in my judgment in people, men in particular.

Of course though, someone had to come along and prove me wrong, and be a perfectly lovely man. Unfortunately that didn't work for me either. I got restless and got the hell out of dodge. This may have been worse (not more painful), then the first because I lost faith in myself. Maybe I just am not good at this whole commitment thing. Maybe I just don't know what to do with stability in my life, and maybe I don't want it.

I love being free. Most of the time its a good thing, because not many girls out there like being single. I'm a romantic though, and I love being in relationships too, at least for a while. I'm just afraid of getting attached to people and afraid of people getting attached to me because it always ends up with both people sad and hurt. I am afraid that I'm no longer capable of loving someone the way I did when I was naive and a hopeless romantic.

I could go on and on. I have a lot on my mind and I'm in a rambly mood, but I'm going to restrain myself.

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

-good ol' Marilyn, she had some good things to say

Confidence

I am an observer. I watch people, and I try to learn from them. For a while now, the idea of charisma has mystified me. What makes a person interesting to others. Why are we naturally drawn to certain people. What makes a person a "natural leader." I would think about the alpha girl in high school, and the leader of my group of friends. When they talked people would listen. WHY did they have this power, and how could I get it? I had an epiphany a while back. The one thing that seems to draw people in is confidence. I don't mean arrogance; its those who have landed in that small zone right in between arrogance and insecurity.

Confidence has always been an evasive thing for me. I was not born a confident person. In fact, I have faced some pretty severe body image issues before. Others used to determine my confidence, I needed their approval to feel okay about myself. I needed boys to be drooling all over me to feel attractive.

Somewhere along my journey I realized that I needed to take my fate into my own hands. To stop acting like a victim and own up to my mistakes. To stop depending on others approval. It has not been an easy process. It has taken a lot of determination to overcome my insecurities and bad habits. The one thing I have learned is that it doesn't matter who you are going to be. What matters is that YOU decide who you're going to be, and you freakin rock it. Start acting like a rock star and people will think you are one. And they'll want a piece of it. Start acting confident and people will think you are. Eventually, you'll be able to stop acting, because you will be a rock star; you will be that confident person that everyone looks up to.

Its amazing sit back and look at what my life has become. The opportunities I have been given are incredible. Its hard for me to believe that some of the things that have happened in the last year really did happen. At times I wanted to pinch myself to make sure I was awake and not dreaming. It all begin when I decided who Kara Rucker was, and that I was going to freaking ROCK at being Kara Rucker.