Playing for keeps

"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal"

So, I want to apologize for my lack of dedication at keeping this blog up, but I have been pretty busy attempting to conquer the world :) It was interesting reading my last blog; I've been so caught up in life that I completely forgot about those things that were bothering me.

I've learned a lot in my ripe old age of 3 months in the real world. First of all, its incredibly easy to get discouraged when I am floating around without a real purpose or goal. I don't have to have my life plan, but I am a much happier camper when I am focused in on something and am going after it.

It took me a while to gain my footing in the working world and figure out what I wanted, but a while back I got the idea in my head of where I wanted to go for my next rotation. I honestly didn't think it was possible to get where I wanted. I knew the odds were against it, and for the most part they looked for more technical people for the few opportunities that were available. So I focused on networking in the area, with the ambition that maybe someday after the rotation I would be able to work there. It all started with an incredibly nice favor from a complete stranger. He is way high up in the company but offered to tour me around and then introduce me to a few other important people. Then those people gave me names of a few other people to contact, and eventually, I found someone who liked me enough that he convinced someone else to take me on. All because one person one nice enough to help some young whipper snapper out :)

I think the most valuable lesson I've learned is that a lot of times all I have to do in order to achieve what I want is ask. Of course, it takes a lot of hard work and making good impressions as well, and a bit of luck :)

I am incredibly excited and nervous to see what the rest of this year and the next bring. I know that I am getting these opportunities becaus people see potential in me, and I definitely don't want to let them down or make them regret giving me this opportunity. I am mostly excited though because it is such an awesome opportunity. I also don't want to settle hear. One of the past mistakse I've made is stopping when I reach one goal, or setting my goal to low. This is awesome, but before I know I'll have to start thinking about what will happen next. I have an idea, but it will be even more challenging to acheive. We'll have to see how it all pans out.

Other than work, life is going swell. I am digging the stable state my life has been in for the past few months. The whole adventure of senior year was great, but I am incredibly glad it is over. Whoever said college was the best years of their life was selling themself short. There is so much more to come!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Lately I have been letting things out of my control get to me. The main two categories of these things include

1.) Others Actions
2.) Life events that seem "unfair"

I hate even writing number 2 because I absolutely hate the word "unfair" or ever saying "its not fair." I was raised to believe that those words should not exist in my vocabulary. However, as I looked more in depth at the source of my frustration, I have to say it came from that. I guess the solution to this is the same as always, focus on what is in my control and don't dwell on the rest. Even though we don't always see the immediate recourse of our actions, in the end working hard and doing the right thing seems to pay off.

As for number one, I really need to get a grip. I have really been getting caught up on past actions of people who hurt me, which is making it more difficult for me to move on. I know that I'm not a robot, which means I can't control my every thought, but I can keep myself from dwelling on things. I can keep work on not holding myself back. I can focus on the fact that I've learned from my mistakes and misjudgments and am living according to the lessons I've learned. The second kind of people that have bothered me are people whose actions are sub par, at least by my standards. I know it is absolutely ridiculous and hypocritical of me to say this after getting up on my soap box in my last blog about "living and let live" but hey, it happens. Its frustrating to find out people are being rewarded for bad behavior and can be discouraging when it directly affects you.

However, as someone wise once told me "don't worry about it, the cream will rise to the top." Maybe it makes me sound arrogant, but I just mean this in the general sense, not referring to myself in particular. People will be rewarded for their actions, good or bad.

On a more cheery note, life is going pretty dang good. I know it may be hard to believe from the vent session above, but don't let that fool you. I am so incredibly busy at work and after-work life I am struggling a little to balance everything. What's new, right? Luckily, this week I've slowed things down a bit so I primarily am just busy from work. I really like my job. I feel incredibly lucky to have gotten on a team with so much knowledge, and not only that, most of them are willing to share it with me. Even though sometimes they are the most frustrating parts, my favorite parts are the challenges and crunchtime deadlines that push me too my limits. Aaaannywhoo, that's all you guys get for now. I am completely and utterly exhausted, its time to hit the sack!

"Forgivness is more than saying you're sorry...."

That's a quote from a comedy for those of you who don't know, I believe it was called "Just friends"

"I'm stubborn, impatient and a little bit insecure. At times I can be hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best"

-Marilyn Monroe (with one word tweaked by me)

Recent events have caused me to contemplate shutting this whole blog business down. It's easy to forget that a LOT of people read this. In the end I decided that I just enjoy talking about myself too damn much, so I should maybe just take into account once again that my audience spans many generations and ideologies. Now, as the reader let me ask you to keep in mind that:

a.) This is MY life and although all aspects of it might not be perfect, I'd dare to say so far I've done pretty well for myself.

b.) If you are someone who truly cares about me, that means you love me for being who I am and doing things MY way, not doing them YOUR way; if that was the case I would just be a clone of someone you, and what's the fun in that?

c.) I know that most of you out there who read this truly want what's best for me. I know you want me to set my self up to succeed and also to not set myself up to get hurt. Believe me I want both of those things for myself very much too, and although it may not seem like it at times, I actually do think about my mistakes and everything that has gone wrong quite a bit, and am putting effort to not making the same mistakes more than once.

d.) If you know me, you also know that I am stubborn. I appreciate getting your honest opinion, but give it once and let it go. Overdoing it is just going to prevent me from sharing what is going on in my life with you.

Sorry to go on a rant there, just had to get it out in the open. I have so many topics I want to cover since I haven't been making time to write. I'll start with priority one, and see how far that takes me. A concept that has boggled my mind for a long time now is forgiveness. It first really started to be a subject I thought about.

That being said, I've been wanting to talk about a concept that I've spent a vast majority of my life pondering. Forgiveness. Ever since I became a Christan its been something that has really boggled my mind, and the events of this last year have caused me to think about it a lot as well.

When I was younger, I believed that I should forgive everyone an unlimited number of times for whatever "sin" they had caused. I battled myself because it was really hard for me to let go of things people had done to me, and it made me feel like I was failing. I never could achieve the "forget" part of forgive and forget, although I did fairly well with the other.

As I've grown up I've come to realize the forgiving everyone for everything is the equivalent to having no backbone. I had a very defining moment this winter where I realized it was time to stop letting the same people walk all over me time after time. But where is the line drawn? What error is an error so big that it is "unforgivable" How many times is too many times? No wonder the Christians decided it would be easier just to make people believe in Jesus...

I honestly don't have a specific definition. I've accepted the fact that I will never be capable of completely letting go and "forgetting" when someone has done me wrong, but that doesn't mean I can't move on and still maintain a friendship/relationship with them. I know as far as guys go I have a basic idea of where forgiveness boundaries lie, but as a friend once told me, I can make as many rules for myself as I want, but its incredibly hard to be objective when it is your own life and you are dealing with a specific situation.

I want to be a good person and I want to be forgiving, because I've sure been forgiven for my fair share of mistakes. I also want to maintain my own dignity and self respect.

I feel like this is one of those issues that I will ponder for most of my life and never have a definite answer to, but I just wanted to write about it. Please feel free to give your opinion, thoughts on the subject, I'm curious as to where everyone else stands.

Let's Get this Party Started

So I really should be going to bed right now but I wanted to write a blog recapping my first week while it was fresh. I know that once the week starts I'll probably run out of time. Orientation week was awesome. I had a blast getting to know new people. It is really fun to have a completely clean slate and be in an environment where everyone is trying to make new friends. My sleep schedule for the week was a downward trend going from 8-6-5-0 hours of sleep by wednesday night (8 hours was sunday night). I'm not sure I have ever been that sleep in my life. Clearly it is good that I'm done with college because I don't handle sleep deprivation as well as I used to. I mean, in my delirium, I chose a seat in the front row so it would be super obvious to the speaker whenever I nodded off...NICE.

Other than work, things are on the up and up from last week. I am sufficiently distracted and bouncing back. Not to say that a little uneasiness doesn't creep in every now and then still. I think having to start over SO many times in the last 4 years has left me a bit uneasy about it. When we were giving out random facts about ourselves last week I realized I've actually attended four different colleges in 4 years. That's pretty nuts.


All in all, I am just really excited for what the future holds. I feel like I'm starting off on quite the adventure. Having my own place, forming friends, and beginning my career. It's easy to look at it and be intimidate and sad that I'm growing up, but its also easy to look at it and all the opportunities it leads to, which is what I am choosing to do. So here's to me, enjoying the moment and living life to the fullest :)

That's all you get for now, its bed time for me! (also, I apologize ahead of time for typos, I wrote this quickly)

Roller Coasters

Me: "Talk about an emotional roller coaster"
Friend: "At least you like roller coasters"
Me: "not for too long, cuz then they make you puke. I think I'm at the metaphorical puking stage"
Friend: "Yeah dude, I think you need to take a break"

Isn't that just the most entertaining conversation ever? I'm not going to lie, as of right now I'm in one of those places where I really wish I could just erase my memory and not ever have to think about the things that happened in the last couple of months. Unfortunately I can't do that, at least not that I know of, unless that contraption from Men in Black is real and the government is just hiding it from us! (yeah I just went there)

I know I need to shake things off and move on and I am trying really hard to do so. I have no doubt that I'll get there, because I always do. It's hard not to worry about the future though. I am afraid that I won't be able to meet awesome new people now that I'm not in college anymore, or that I'll never find a guy who actually appeals to me on the West side. Or that I will continue my pattern of falling for the wrong ones. Yes, I realize this is absolutely ridiculous and illogical, but hey, its still something that crosses my mind every once in a while.

I am unnerved by the fact that I am a small town girl from Eastern Washington and lots of people on the west side look down upon that. Not because I care what they think, but because it creates a barrier between us, plus we just don't have as many common interests. I I like where I'm from and the people from where I'm from. I hope I can find my niche over here sooner rather than later :)

As far as a life update: I went to my first official day of work on Friday and got all my fancy goodies including a laptop and phone :) I am super excited to start my career at Boeing and cannot wait to see what the future holds. I'm STILL working on unpacking and getting my place in order. Gosh, moving is a pain in the butt. Well, that's about it for now. I have way too much to do and should probably get back to it!

Till next time <3

Here's to new beginings

"The place to be happy is here. The time to be happy is now. The way to be happy is to make others so."

I found this quote on someone's facebook profile and I dig it. It's a good motto and fits with the attitude I am trying my best to achieve. Recent events and my current situation have caused me to do a lot of reflecting. I'll be honest, right now is not the easiest time for me to be happy. I don't do well when I have absolutely nothing to do because it leaves me too much time to think.

Just like most of the people I know, I try my very hardest to live my life without regrets. For me, at least in the past year, this usually meant trying new things and taking risks that pushed me out of my comfort zone. However, I think after my three most current relationship attempts(yes 3, I realize its a lot) I've learned something new. Sometimes living without regrets means holding holding yourself back. Sometimes the happiness something gives you in the moment is not worth the pain its repercussions will cause later. I think it is a very precarious balance between the two extremes that I most likely will never get exactly right, but hey, I'm human so its okay :)

I do know that it is important to focus on the good in my life instead of the bad, and to embrace where I'm at. That's my current challenge for myself. As we get older, time seems to move faster and faster, and it seems like everyone is always like "what I wouldn't give to go back to my single years, or college years, or high school years, etc. " It's extremely hard for me not to get caught up in trying to rush into whatever the next phase of my life is. For the first time in my life, I am getting a completely fresh start. Like I said, I want to embrace it.

Every single other time I have "started over" I have been also starting a long distance relationship. What is wrong with that picture? Seriously what is wrong with me that I continue to get myself into the same situation over and over again? So for once, I am starting with a completely clean slate. My focus will not be anywhere but with beginning my life Seattle, and I will not be fighting the endless emotional battle of trying not to let a relationship consume me. I REALLY want to take advantage of this opportunity and just live it up and have a blast . I LOVE being single. For reals. I know most girls say that but are actually lying, but I actually mean it. Right now I'm not all that happy about it, but I know I will get there. My general level of happiness thus far is MUCH higher when I am on my own. I am more confident and literally have no worries. I just need to do a better job at keeping it that way. After this last year I have confirmed more than once that I am not capable of having flings. I just can't do it. I get to attached and its not worth it. Quite frankly, I don't think I want to be the kind of girl who is okay with flings. Although it is fine for some people, it is hard for me to respect myself when I feel like I am just allowing a guy to take advantage of me, even if its supposedly what I want to. Maybe growing up in a small town with conservative parents made me a little bit traditional.

Hopefully I will do a better job keeping myself unattached at least for a while. It will take me improving my self control and will power, har har. I need to focus on building friendships and kicking ass in my career first and foremost. We like what we're good at and clearly I'm not to great at relationships, but I seem to be awesome at being single, so right now that's good enough for me. <3

Sorry, I know this post is rambly but I had a lot of different thoughts I wanted to get out. I will get back on track to more focused blogs in the next one hopefully!

Living in Fast Forward

Hello everyone! I am back from China and back to normal blogging! The title of this blog was inspired by the Kenney Chesney song by the same name. This past year has been nuts. I seem to have slowly abandoned my strict rules for myself that kept me out of trouble but also kept me from having fun.

I think for the most part, it is okay. I feel like I still have the same morals and I follow them. However, some aspects of my life I have definitely let slide. One of these areas, for lack of a better word, is my "recovery" phase. I used to be very good about dealing with the hard times in my life "healthily," however, sometimes this meant a longer, more painful road to being happy again.

I have definitely slipped a little into my old high school ways of just finding ways to distract myself instead of actually dealing with whatever is going on. For the most part, its worked out fairly well, but I feel like things have been escalating, and if I don't starting making some changes in my life decisions, shit is going to hit the fan. Maybe it is already too late, I don't really know. I do know that I have surrounded myself by amazing people who are there for me when things don't go my way, even if they were the ones advising me not to make the choices in the first place.

I also know that some of the choices I've made and the things I've done are not things I approve of myself doing. I know that I need to live in a way that I am proud of the person I am and the choices I make. So, I am making a goal to myself to start being a little more future-oriented and care more about the long term effects of my actions, so we'll see how that goes!