forgive you not

I wrote this almost 3 years ago now.  Its raw and real, which is why I couldn't resist posting it. Enjoy.

I don't forgive you. What you did was wrong and I don't ever want to believe otherwise. I have been kind to you when I shouldn't have been. I have myself to blame for that. I gave you so many chances to redeem yourself but you miserably failed. I don't forgive you for ripping my heart out and stomping on it, and then YOU pretending to be the victim a year later. I don't forgive you for the lies you so cleverly got me to believe. I don't forgive you for breaking the heart of the girl you dated after me, and I am not happy for you now. I don't think you deserve to be with a nice girl; I think you will hurt her. I think you are a psychopath. I don't forgive you, either. One of my best friends, you decided to jump on the chance to date me when it arose. Once you realized dating actually took work, you just checked yourself out and used me until I had to leave. You were pathetic and you treated me like shit. You were so self absorbed that you also played the victim and felt sorry for yourself when all your friends quit hanging out with you because they were apauled at the way you treated me.  I have no respect for you. and YOU, I don't forgive you, for taking advantage of me when I was hurting, just like the lowest level of scumbag does. I am baffled as to why you made such an effort to care for me and get to know me. I would of had a lot more fun in China if I wasn't so attached to you the whole time. I came back and within a week you changed your mind, but you were too much of a coward to tell me why. It was the least you could of done after succeeding in making me fall for you. You know what happened next. Watching you with that other girl was some some of the sharpest emotional pain I've ever felt. I don't know if I will ever be completely "over it." Every time I am reminded of you, I go straight to that horrifying memory. I still cannot believe you did that. You are a terrible person. Only the most selfish kind of person would do something like that, and only the most cowardly would apologize for their actions via text message. You are my biggest regret. Nothing good came out of our "whatever you want to call it." If I could go back in time, and choose not to do it, I would. Now I am stuck dealing with you because you are still friends with all of my friends. So, there you have it, the unforgiveable few. I am not angry about these things any more unless I try to be. But I don't, and I do my best to avoid thinking about them. There are people in everyone's life who don't deserve to be let back in.

Pursuit of Happiness

"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal" I haven't blogged in a while and I want to get more into it again. My life is so different now. Instead of stumbling through the college social scene I am experiencing the beginning steps of my career. I am currently determining my future path. It is exciting and intimidating at the same time. I am blessed to have a challenging job in the field I feel I was meant to be in. Who knows, this may change over time, but for right now I am pretty happy in project management. My whole life I have been a planner/organizer/coordinator of people and events. It is something I am drawn too and almost cannot help but do. The question is though - where do I go from here? The goal-oriented, ambitious side of me is growing impatient while the side of me that observes others and listens to my mentors tells me to have patience and work to absorb as much as I possibly can where I am at. My current struggle is knowing when to say no, when to say yes, and when to push for more. I feel like I don't have enough experience to make this call and get it right, yet I find myself confronted with this decision on an almost daily basis. I am learning to doubt myself less and confidently stand behind what I say. At the same time I am learning to put myself in my peers, team members, and superiors shoes before making a rash judgement. I know one thing for sure, which is that my number one priority in life is to be happy, however, I am still working on defining what happiness means to me.

Playing for keeps

"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal"

So, I want to apologize for my lack of dedication at keeping this blog up, but I have been pretty busy attempting to conquer the world :) It was interesting reading my last blog; I've been so caught up in life that I completely forgot about those things that were bothering me.

I've learned a lot in my ripe old age of 3 months in the real world. First of all, its incredibly easy to get discouraged when I am floating around without a real purpose or goal. I don't have to have my life plan, but I am a much happier camper when I am focused in on something and am going after it.

It took me a while to gain my footing in the working world and figure out what I wanted, but a while back I got the idea in my head of where I wanted to go for my next rotation. I honestly didn't think it was possible to get where I wanted. I knew the odds were against it, and for the most part they looked for more technical people for the few opportunities that were available. So I focused on networking in the area, with the ambition that maybe someday after the rotation I would be able to work there. It all started with an incredibly nice favor from a complete stranger. He is way high up in the company but offered to tour me around and then introduce me to a few other important people. Then those people gave me names of a few other people to contact, and eventually, I found someone who liked me enough that he convinced someone else to take me on. All because one person one nice enough to help some young whipper snapper out :)

I think the most valuable lesson I've learned is that a lot of times all I have to do in order to achieve what I want is ask. Of course, it takes a lot of hard work and making good impressions as well, and a bit of luck :)

I am incredibly excited and nervous to see what the rest of this year and the next bring. I know that I am getting these opportunities becaus people see potential in me, and I definitely don't want to let them down or make them regret giving me this opportunity. I am mostly excited though because it is such an awesome opportunity. I also don't want to settle hear. One of the past mistakse I've made is stopping when I reach one goal, or setting my goal to low. This is awesome, but before I know I'll have to start thinking about what will happen next. I have an idea, but it will be even more challenging to acheive. We'll have to see how it all pans out.

Other than work, life is going swell. I am digging the stable state my life has been in for the past few months. The whole adventure of senior year was great, but I am incredibly glad it is over. Whoever said college was the best years of their life was selling themself short. There is so much more to come!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Lately I have been letting things out of my control get to me. The main two categories of these things include

1.) Others Actions
2.) Life events that seem "unfair"

I hate even writing number 2 because I absolutely hate the word "unfair" or ever saying "its not fair." I was raised to believe that those words should not exist in my vocabulary. However, as I looked more in depth at the source of my frustration, I have to say it came from that. I guess the solution to this is the same as always, focus on what is in my control and don't dwell on the rest. Even though we don't always see the immediate recourse of our actions, in the end working hard and doing the right thing seems to pay off.

As for number one, I really need to get a grip. I have really been getting caught up on past actions of people who hurt me, which is making it more difficult for me to move on. I know that I'm not a robot, which means I can't control my every thought, but I can keep myself from dwelling on things. I can keep work on not holding myself back. I can focus on the fact that I've learned from my mistakes and misjudgments and am living according to the lessons I've learned. The second kind of people that have bothered me are people whose actions are sub par, at least by my standards. I know it is absolutely ridiculous and hypocritical of me to say this after getting up on my soap box in my last blog about "living and let live" but hey, it happens. Its frustrating to find out people are being rewarded for bad behavior and can be discouraging when it directly affects you.

However, as someone wise once told me "don't worry about it, the cream will rise to the top." Maybe it makes me sound arrogant, but I just mean this in the general sense, not referring to myself in particular. People will be rewarded for their actions, good or bad.

On a more cheery note, life is going pretty dang good. I know it may be hard to believe from the vent session above, but don't let that fool you. I am so incredibly busy at work and after-work life I am struggling a little to balance everything. What's new, right? Luckily, this week I've slowed things down a bit so I primarily am just busy from work. I really like my job. I feel incredibly lucky to have gotten on a team with so much knowledge, and not only that, most of them are willing to share it with me. Even though sometimes they are the most frustrating parts, my favorite parts are the challenges and crunchtime deadlines that push me too my limits. Aaaannywhoo, that's all you guys get for now. I am completely and utterly exhausted, its time to hit the sack!

"Forgivness is more than saying you're sorry...."

That's a quote from a comedy for those of you who don't know, I believe it was called "Just friends"

"I'm stubborn, impatient and a little bit insecure. At times I can be hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best"

-Marilyn Monroe (with one word tweaked by me)

Recent events have caused me to contemplate shutting this whole blog business down. It's easy to forget that a LOT of people read this. In the end I decided that I just enjoy talking about myself too damn much, so I should maybe just take into account once again that my audience spans many generations and ideologies. Now, as the reader let me ask you to keep in mind that:

a.) This is MY life and although all aspects of it might not be perfect, I'd dare to say so far I've done pretty well for myself.

b.) If you are someone who truly cares about me, that means you love me for being who I am and doing things MY way, not doing them YOUR way; if that was the case I would just be a clone of someone you, and what's the fun in that?

c.) I know that most of you out there who read this truly want what's best for me. I know you want me to set my self up to succeed and also to not set myself up to get hurt. Believe me I want both of those things for myself very much too, and although it may not seem like it at times, I actually do think about my mistakes and everything that has gone wrong quite a bit, and am putting effort to not making the same mistakes more than once.

d.) If you know me, you also know that I am stubborn. I appreciate getting your honest opinion, but give it once and let it go. Overdoing it is just going to prevent me from sharing what is going on in my life with you.

Sorry to go on a rant there, just had to get it out in the open. I have so many topics I want to cover since I haven't been making time to write. I'll start with priority one, and see how far that takes me. A concept that has boggled my mind for a long time now is forgiveness. It first really started to be a subject I thought about.

That being said, I've been wanting to talk about a concept that I've spent a vast majority of my life pondering. Forgiveness. Ever since I became a Christan its been something that has really boggled my mind, and the events of this last year have caused me to think about it a lot as well.

When I was younger, I believed that I should forgive everyone an unlimited number of times for whatever "sin" they had caused. I battled myself because it was really hard for me to let go of things people had done to me, and it made me feel like I was failing. I never could achieve the "forget" part of forgive and forget, although I did fairly well with the other.

As I've grown up I've come to realize the forgiving everyone for everything is the equivalent to having no backbone. I had a very defining moment this winter where I realized it was time to stop letting the same people walk all over me time after time. But where is the line drawn? What error is an error so big that it is "unforgivable" How many times is too many times? No wonder the Christians decided it would be easier just to make people believe in Jesus...

I honestly don't have a specific definition. I've accepted the fact that I will never be capable of completely letting go and "forgetting" when someone has done me wrong, but that doesn't mean I can't move on and still maintain a friendship/relationship with them. I know as far as guys go I have a basic idea of where forgiveness boundaries lie, but as a friend once told me, I can make as many rules for myself as I want, but its incredibly hard to be objective when it is your own life and you are dealing with a specific situation.

I want to be a good person and I want to be forgiving, because I've sure been forgiven for my fair share of mistakes. I also want to maintain my own dignity and self respect.

I feel like this is one of those issues that I will ponder for most of my life and never have a definite answer to, but I just wanted to write about it. Please feel free to give your opinion, thoughts on the subject, I'm curious as to where everyone else stands.

Let's Get this Party Started

So I really should be going to bed right now but I wanted to write a blog recapping my first week while it was fresh. I know that once the week starts I'll probably run out of time. Orientation week was awesome. I had a blast getting to know new people. It is really fun to have a completely clean slate and be in an environment where everyone is trying to make new friends. My sleep schedule for the week was a downward trend going from 8-6-5-0 hours of sleep by wednesday night (8 hours was sunday night). I'm not sure I have ever been that sleep in my life. Clearly it is good that I'm done with college because I don't handle sleep deprivation as well as I used to. I mean, in my delirium, I chose a seat in the front row so it would be super obvious to the speaker whenever I nodded off...NICE.

Other than work, things are on the up and up from last week. I am sufficiently distracted and bouncing back. Not to say that a little uneasiness doesn't creep in every now and then still. I think having to start over SO many times in the last 4 years has left me a bit uneasy about it. When we were giving out random facts about ourselves last week I realized I've actually attended four different colleges in 4 years. That's pretty nuts.


All in all, I am just really excited for what the future holds. I feel like I'm starting off on quite the adventure. Having my own place, forming friends, and beginning my career. It's easy to look at it and be intimidate and sad that I'm growing up, but its also easy to look at it and all the opportunities it leads to, which is what I am choosing to do. So here's to me, enjoying the moment and living life to the fullest :)

That's all you get for now, its bed time for me! (also, I apologize ahead of time for typos, I wrote this quickly)

Roller Coasters

Me: "Talk about an emotional roller coaster"
Friend: "At least you like roller coasters"
Me: "not for too long, cuz then they make you puke. I think I'm at the metaphorical puking stage"
Friend: "Yeah dude, I think you need to take a break"

Isn't that just the most entertaining conversation ever? I'm not going to lie, as of right now I'm in one of those places where I really wish I could just erase my memory and not ever have to think about the things that happened in the last couple of months. Unfortunately I can't do that, at least not that I know of, unless that contraption from Men in Black is real and the government is just hiding it from us! (yeah I just went there)

I know I need to shake things off and move on and I am trying really hard to do so. I have no doubt that I'll get there, because I always do. It's hard not to worry about the future though. I am afraid that I won't be able to meet awesome new people now that I'm not in college anymore, or that I'll never find a guy who actually appeals to me on the West side. Or that I will continue my pattern of falling for the wrong ones. Yes, I realize this is absolutely ridiculous and illogical, but hey, its still something that crosses my mind every once in a while.

I am unnerved by the fact that I am a small town girl from Eastern Washington and lots of people on the west side look down upon that. Not because I care what they think, but because it creates a barrier between us, plus we just don't have as many common interests. I I like where I'm from and the people from where I'm from. I hope I can find my niche over here sooner rather than later :)

As far as a life update: I went to my first official day of work on Friday and got all my fancy goodies including a laptop and phone :) I am super excited to start my career at Boeing and cannot wait to see what the future holds. I'm STILL working on unpacking and getting my place in order. Gosh, moving is a pain in the butt. Well, that's about it for now. I have way too much to do and should probably get back to it!

Till next time <3

Here's to new beginings

"The place to be happy is here. The time to be happy is now. The way to be happy is to make others so."

I found this quote on someone's facebook profile and I dig it. It's a good motto and fits with the attitude I am trying my best to achieve. Recent events and my current situation have caused me to do a lot of reflecting. I'll be honest, right now is not the easiest time for me to be happy. I don't do well when I have absolutely nothing to do because it leaves me too much time to think.

Just like most of the people I know, I try my very hardest to live my life without regrets. For me, at least in the past year, this usually meant trying new things and taking risks that pushed me out of my comfort zone. However, I think after my three most current relationship attempts(yes 3, I realize its a lot) I've learned something new. Sometimes living without regrets means holding holding yourself back. Sometimes the happiness something gives you in the moment is not worth the pain its repercussions will cause later. I think it is a very precarious balance between the two extremes that I most likely will never get exactly right, but hey, I'm human so its okay :)

I do know that it is important to focus on the good in my life instead of the bad, and to embrace where I'm at. That's my current challenge for myself. As we get older, time seems to move faster and faster, and it seems like everyone is always like "what I wouldn't give to go back to my single years, or college years, or high school years, etc. " It's extremely hard for me not to get caught up in trying to rush into whatever the next phase of my life is. For the first time in my life, I am getting a completely fresh start. Like I said, I want to embrace it.

Every single other time I have "started over" I have been also starting a long distance relationship. What is wrong with that picture? Seriously what is wrong with me that I continue to get myself into the same situation over and over again? So for once, I am starting with a completely clean slate. My focus will not be anywhere but with beginning my life Seattle, and I will not be fighting the endless emotional battle of trying not to let a relationship consume me. I REALLY want to take advantage of this opportunity and just live it up and have a blast . I LOVE being single. For reals. I know most girls say that but are actually lying, but I actually mean it. Right now I'm not all that happy about it, but I know I will get there. My general level of happiness thus far is MUCH higher when I am on my own. I am more confident and literally have no worries. I just need to do a better job at keeping it that way. After this last year I have confirmed more than once that I am not capable of having flings. I just can't do it. I get to attached and its not worth it. Quite frankly, I don't think I want to be the kind of girl who is okay with flings. Although it is fine for some people, it is hard for me to respect myself when I feel like I am just allowing a guy to take advantage of me, even if its supposedly what I want to. Maybe growing up in a small town with conservative parents made me a little bit traditional.

Hopefully I will do a better job keeping myself unattached at least for a while. It will take me improving my self control and will power, har har. I need to focus on building friendships and kicking ass in my career first and foremost. We like what we're good at and clearly I'm not to great at relationships, but I seem to be awesome at being single, so right now that's good enough for me. <3

Sorry, I know this post is rambly but I had a lot of different thoughts I wanted to get out. I will get back on track to more focused blogs in the next one hopefully!

Living in Fast Forward

Hello everyone! I am back from China and back to normal blogging! The title of this blog was inspired by the Kenney Chesney song by the same name. This past year has been nuts. I seem to have slowly abandoned my strict rules for myself that kept me out of trouble but also kept me from having fun.

I think for the most part, it is okay. I feel like I still have the same morals and I follow them. However, some aspects of my life I have definitely let slide. One of these areas, for lack of a better word, is my "recovery" phase. I used to be very good about dealing with the hard times in my life "healthily," however, sometimes this meant a longer, more painful road to being happy again.

I have definitely slipped a little into my old high school ways of just finding ways to distract myself instead of actually dealing with whatever is going on. For the most part, its worked out fairly well, but I feel like things have been escalating, and if I don't starting making some changes in my life decisions, shit is going to hit the fan. Maybe it is already too late, I don't really know. I do know that I have surrounded myself by amazing people who are there for me when things don't go my way, even if they were the ones advising me not to make the choices in the first place.

I also know that some of the choices I've made and the things I've done are not things I approve of myself doing. I know that I need to live in a way that I am proud of the person I am and the choices I make. So, I am making a goal to myself to start being a little more future-oriented and care more about the long term effects of my actions, so we'll see how that goes!

Squatty Potty

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Japan!

Hi all!

So I'm really sorry about not being on the ball with my blogging. I was planning on switching over to a video blog via youtube buuut I tried that and I think I like writing better. I am going to continue to upload videos of my adventures to my youtube channel. I have one from Tokyo square (well that's what I'm going to call it; its not its real name) and I have a couple from Disney. I think you guys will like it J I'll put the links at the bottom of the blog so you can watch them if you want.

So lets start at the beginning. We got of the flight and walked into the airport following color coded signs through customs and such. Everything went incredibly smoothly and we met up with Shoji just fine. The first thing I noticed in the airport was the abundance of vending machines. They are a little different looking than ours, but basically the same idea. On top of selling drinks they also have machines that sell cigarettes and supposedly even vending machines for underwear? I didn't see any of those though. One cool thing about the vending machines is that they have both hot and cold drinks; if it is a hot drink the whole bottle is heated. The first purchase I made was a drink that tasted like cherries. It was pretty delicious J Not long after we got there, Shoji told us " Welcome to Japan, everything is smaller here" Lol! It's true though! Most drinks are 8 oz or less, and the clothing and shoes are actually in my size! Sometimes I'm even a medium!

It was probably a 1.5 hour trip from the airport to our hostel if walking time and train time are included. By the time we go there we were completely exhausted. There was talk of going out on the town for the night, but thankfully the majority decision was to rest up. We also learned that if you go out for the night you are out for the WHOLE night. The trains shut down after 10pm so everyone has to stay out till 5:00am. We didn't end up going out which I was actually glad about. The clubs had really high cover charges and we were always really wiped out after a day of adventuring.

The first day Shoji wanted to show us some tourist attractions so we went and saw Tokyo tower. The view from the top was intense. It made us realize just how incredibly massive the city was. After that we headed to downtown Tokyo which I REALLY enjoyed. There were giant screens everywhere with advertisements flashing and it was really fun to just people watch. I've talked to some of you about this already but oh my gosh I LOVE the style in Japan. I'm definitely not a fashionista or anything but the girls outfits were so cute! The most common look was shorts or a skirt with tights/leggings/knee socks and boots. Totally outfits I would like to wear, and even though there was a common thing, everyone also had a really unique look. Even the guys were fashionable; there was a lot of 3 piece suits, Italian shoes, and fancy haircuts.

The second day we went to Disney Sea at Tokyo Disney. It was awesome! I haven't been to Disneyland since I was really young so I could appreciate the architecture and amount of details in each attraction a lot more. Arial's house was incredibly beautiful, and there was a really, really cool "inside the earth" attracting that had a very realistic looking volcano that actually erupted.

I also want to talk about the food for a minute. I LOVE trying new foods and I really, really liked Japanese food. I didn't get to try all that much, but I liked all of it. The first night we had teriyaki chicken, which sounds lame, but was exquisite. It is definitely not the same as teriyaki chicken in the U.S. The second meal I tried was curry-noodle soup. I think this was my favorite. It was packed with flavor. Shoji was shocked that all of us girls finished our meals, there was A LOT of soup consumed. In the evening we went to a Japanese place Shoji picked and he ordered for us. We tried a kind of salad, dumpings, potstickers, a seafood medley, calamari, and marinated chicken kabob-like things.

Over all it was a good trip. I am really glad I went on the Japan leg not only because it was an awesome place to visit, but also because I got to know the other people in my group a lot better. Oh yeah, and also because I got to sleep in a cupboard bed and pretend like I was harry potter J I will post pictures of this later so you understand what I'm talking about…….but yeah, the beds in our room at the hostel were literally cupboards. It was pretty legit.

Okay! Well I'll try to write more often now that I've established a blogging game plan. I have to figure out a way to get it to work though because sometimes its blocked in china. There are ways around the firewall though so hopefully it won't take me long to figure one of those out. So my friends, until next time!

quote of the day: Take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you’ve never been hurt, because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you’ll never get back.

Here's my video :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-2Lt2FnZ2U

Hello Adventure

A lot has happened since I wrote my last blog. After writing it I vowed to write at least one more before I left because I knew my emotions were affecting my attitude. Now look at me....writing it with less than 10 hours left here...... I can't believe that I am flying out in the morning!! It's so surreal to me that this is actually happening. About this time last year I saw the presentation for study abroad in China but never thought it would be feasible but here I am.

I am still pretty scared/nervous about what it's going to be like. I've never been out of the country without my family. More than that though, I am just nervous about moving in to the next phase of my life. I'm really excited, but the real world is a little bit intimidating!

I am also really sad, but not in a bad way. It hit me when my boss said good bye that my time being a student at WSU is over. I am so incredibly glad I decided to transfer here. I feel like I grew into my own person, but most of all I am thankful for the friends I have made. I am seriously overwhelmed by the kindness of the Pullman family over the past couple weeks. Every one of you has really come through for me in your own way and I'm an incredibly thankful for it. I have really, really been enjoying my life! I'm not sure it could get much better :) It's totally awesome to feel like this, but it also means that I have something more to lose, which is unnerving.

Those are really the only two even close to negative emotions I'm feeling. I mostly am incredibly stoked to be starting my new adventure! I have no idea what to expect, but I'm counting on it being one of the greatest times of my life. Not only am I excited for China, I am also excited to get started at my job at Boeing, and get settled in on the west side. I have a feeling its going to be an awesome summer :)

All I know is that these days I find myself smiling a lot, especially when I am thinking about the people in my life, and the adventures to come. I may have gone through a minor rough patch, but I'm better for it now! I think I'm going to start a new tradition of ending each blog with a quote. You guys will probably of heard a lot of them or seen them on my profile, but that's okay because quotes are awesome.

"Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they are meant to run free until they find someone just as wild to run with"

Reckless Abandon

I haven't written in while because I've been going through a bumpy time and I try my best not to write about issues if they affect others in my life. However, I need to write. I wrote a whole blog yesterday, then accidentally deleted it. I'm taking it as a sign that it wasn't what I should of been writing.

I also have avoided writing a blog because I don't know what to write. I have so many emotions going through me, and I jump from one emotion to the next so quickly that I'm having trouble sorting it out for myself.

I'm the kind of person that decides what they want, and then goes after it with everything that I've got. Whether its a sport, goal, friend, or boyfriend; its just how I roll. Call it determination, stubbornness, or whatever else you like. This approach to life has worked fairly well for me for the most part. I can blow through a lot of obstacles, and when I get knocked on my ass, I am so focused that I just shake it off and keep going. Sometimes though the obstacle is too big; its impossible to mow over or dodge, like a very, solid, large brick wall. However, I charge full speed ahead because that's what I do. Eventually I hit the wall and KABLAMO! I'm down for the count, sitting on the ground seeing stars, wondering how the hell I got there.

I've hit the wall enough times to have a little perspective. I know I will be okay and I know I just have to wait it out. That doesn't make it suck less right now though. I feel really helpless at the moment, and I don't like it, not one bit. For once, I don't know what to do to fix it other than wait it out. Not to sound like spoiled kid, but I freaking hate not getting what I want! haha

I leave for China in a little over 2 weeks. Craaaaazy. As with everything else in my life; I'm very conflicted. On one hand I'm really bitter and angry about going. I feel like it is kind of ruining my life (not to sound melodramatic or anything) On the other hand, I know that leaving for 9 weeks really can't be the sole cause of destruction. Along with that I'm really excited for such a crazy adventure and I am going to try my very best to embrace it. I'm excited to make new friends and try new things and buy lots and lots of super cheap stuff :) :) I have faith that the rest of my life with fall together as time goes on. I have an incredible group of people supporting me; I don't know how I get so lucky. On top of that I know I've got a lot going for me, and a lot to look forward to in the next year.

As of right now I'm not sure if the whole "reckless abandon" approach is a good one. I am pretty drained from the emotional roller coaster of the past year, yet there were so many phenomenal times and cherished memories that I can't regret it. I guess I'm going to just have to keep on rolling with the punches.

2010 in a Nutshell :)

So I've been feeling conflicted on whether to do a summary blog of 2010 or to do a "lessons learned in college blog." I am not in a pensive enough mood right now to do the "lessons learned" blog so 2010 summary it is. 2010 was a emotionally charged year full of a lot of personal growth. I feel like I grew into myself and am coming closer to solidifying my values. I'm going to write this blog kind of survey-style, but I'm making the survey questions myself :)

Most Valuable People:

Mom - this year definitely had some downs and I always turn to my mom when I need someone to talk to
Kyle - being 10 miles apart was awesome. It was so nice of him to include me in his friends' group and activities
Isaac - for making me laugh, being a great friend as well as a great boyfriend :) Also for making my 21st birthday so much fun when it had the potential to be lousy.
Ben - it's so nice to have a good solid friend I can be my crazy self around, and for skydiving of course
Katharine and Dave - best roommates ever. Seriously.
Dave - for being that glimpse of happiness I needed during a very unhappy stage of my life
Sergey - for being such a good friend to me even after everything went down
Tom & Jesse - best MIS buddies ever
Kerri & Sam - for accepting me into the p-fam so quickly and bringing some much needed girl time into my life.
Paige - I'm so proud of everything you've done and am thankful we've stayed in contact. It meant a lot to me when you came to visit


There's probably a lot more, so sorry if I left you out. I'm really thankful for everyone in my life :)

New People: Sam, Kerri, North, David D, Mark M, Tyler, Jesse, Hank, Jaimie, Brandi, Matt, Kseniya, Big Dave, Brent

Highlights:
Fourth of July at my cabin with family and friends
-21st birthday
-being Daisy Duke for Halloween :)
-hanging out with the p-fam in Pullman
-Getting interviews at Google
-meeting so many fantastic people at the internship this summer
-weekends at the cabin
-June in Pullman
-New Years :)
-intramurals

-laughing until I couldn't breathe

Accomplishments
-multiple internship and job offers
-4.0 GPA spring and summer semester
-forcing myself to be more social and make new friends
- winning the 448 project as well as the Business Case Competition :)

Things to do differently in 2011
-not so many failed relationships!
-open to trying new things
- don't let certain people walk all over me

-don't try to escape from my situation; instead try to fix it.

Lessons Learned

The biggest lesson I learned was to be more open minded about trying new things.

Also, I learned how incredibly important it is to be accepting of others. Just because they have different values and a different focus than me that does not mean they are wrong. In fact, it helps to balance me out to have friends with different ideas than myself

Going after my goals with reckless abandon has never hurt me in the long, even if my goals end up changing.

I am a major lightweight.

Confidence is magnetic.

My horrendous sense of direction makes navigating to new places in Seattle very difficult.

Favorite New Shows:

Modern Family

Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Hobbies

Racquetball

Snowboarding

Tennis

Music

(New) 3Oh!3, Train, Owl City

(Favorites)

Taylor Swift, Usher (but just one song)

Movies:

ummm I can't think of any favorites more just the fact that there are a ton I need to watch in 2011....

Books:

I discovered Patricia Briggs who is an excellent author and I loved the series I read by her. Also, I'm reading The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo right now. Its pretty great.

Failed Goals:

Not reading through the Lord of the Rings series.

Losing contact with some of my friends from back home.

Not finding a church/making an effort to go to church

Favorite Gift

GPS

Well thats all I can think of right now. I can't believe how much my life has changed in this past year. Its madness. I know by this time next year I will probably be saying the same thing. Its scary and exciting at the same time. Thanks for reading everyone!

New Years Goals

I've never been too great at New Years Resolutions. I used to make super ambitious ones like to not fight with my brother for the whole year or to not eat anything remotely unhealthy. Needless to say, I would fail miserably, usually within 72 hours of making the resolution.

I also have never been really great at setting life long goals. During sophomore year I went to this workshop put on by the head editor of the "Chicken Soup for the Soul" books and his talk was about what all successful people have in common. His message was that the successful people he knew had created a bucket list(list of goals to achieve before you die) at a young age, and had persistently worked through the list during their life. I attempted to start a bucket list, but I was not very good at making one of these either. My goals and aspirations changed to much, so the only thing I have consistently had on my list is white water rafting down the Grand Canyon before I die. This seems like a really empty list to me.

Needless to say, at times I was concerned about being successful in the future since I didn't follow these stereotypical traits of successful people. However, I realized at some point that I was completely forgetting about something I did every year that worked way better for me then any of the silly methods listed above.

It all started freshman year during basketball season. Our coach made us right down goals for the season. My main goal was to play varsity by the end of the season. However, I was afraid of being judged or being considered arrogant for thinking I was even capable of this goal, so I didn't write it down for them to see. I kept thinking about the different goals I had and finally wrote them down over Christmas break. I expanded from basketball season goals to goals from the whole year. For the most part, I forgot about writing them down, but when I achieved my goal of playing varsity I definitely remembered. In my enthusiasm I went and wrote the date I achieved the goal in very excited writing. It was an incredible feeling. After that I forgot about the goals until the next Christmas break, but when I found them again it felt so good to read over them and check off the ones I'd achieved that I decided to do it again.

Ever since that year, at some point over Christmas break I will write down my goals for the upcoming year. I value the fact that they are completely private. I can make each goal as ambitious or petty as I want, and I can say from previous experience that they range from the goal to talk to my crush to goals of long term mission trips or obtaining a full ride scholarship. Shoot, this year I even made a new years wish, because its my goal list and I can do whatever the heck I want :)

Going through the prior years' goals never gets old. I get to see how my focus has changed, and what goals I've reached. It's an awesome feeling, and its something I plan on doing for the rest of my life.

So for all of my friends out there, I challenge you to do the same. Sit down and think about anything you'd like to accomplish in the next year, and write it down. Put it away somewhere you'll be able to find it in a year, and then forget about it till this time of year rolls around. It'll be well worth it.

when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on

A lot has happened since I last wrote. The couple weeks of happiness and bliss ended very abruptly. I think it started with shitty weather over thanksgiving break cramping my style. Then came the the series of phone calls and texts the night before thanksgiving that came persistantly until i answered. Wanted to prevent another 45 missed call night so I answered and got entertained by "he who must not be named." I just say this because I feel that's how my family approaches him, like he's effing Voldermort or something. The call left me unphased, as I am in a great relationship, and have been unphased by this fellows shenanigans for the past year at least. However, I managed to let it slip to my lovely mom the reason I was so drowsy the next day. Somehow the info was passed to my dad, who drilled me over the breakfast table where my grandma was listening. An anger possessed her that I've never seen before and she let me have it. I have never in my life had her yell at me, so myself and the rest of my family members were fairly astounded to say the least. So I guess that's what I get for trying to do a good deed for an old, (although admittedy crazy) friend. Ooops

Next we were launched back into school, where I must say, I feel like teachers were giving this very specific message "You enjoyed your Thanksgiving break? WEll F*** you. We are going to make your life hell" Along with three final exams to take (2 weeks before finals) I managed to get my car stuck 3 times in 1 evening, kill my battery and have to revive it at 5am, spend $586 on tires, and play a key role in our team losing in an intramural basketball game. To top the week off I got a little too enthusiastic with my celebrating on Friday and learned that I in NO WAY can handle taking 3 shots in 1 evening. Yipes. Let's just say when it comes to puking I was going for a marathon, not a sprint.

To say the least, it was a rough week, but I survived, and all the thing that happened were fairly petty. Being busy 18 hours a day will prepare me for later in life I'm sure. The next week took its toll on me too, but some good things happened during this time as well. I got to go to my first ever Apple Cup, and even though we lost, it was lots of fun. I've been up to the mountain 3 times to attempt snowboarding; although I'm not sure how I feel about the sport, I love the adventure and the challenge. I've made new friends, and bonded with old ones before they head off into the next chapter of their life.

Shockingly, I didn't do super well on my 3 tests. I've had a few minor meltdowns and if you were one of the people who helped me through; thank you.

I guess what I've learned these past three weeks (or re-learned) is: things go wrong, people steal your ideas, people get sick, people say things that hurt your feelers and sometimes you fail. It's okay though. Life goes on because when things go wrong, someone's act of kindness helps you out of a rough patch. When people are jerks, you're friends will be there to back you up and laugh it off. When you're sad, you have people to hold you both literally and figuratively. Lastly, when I fail I learn much more about how to be successful in the future. I'm not sure where that came from or if it makes sense. I need to get back to studying though. I'm looking forward to reconnecting with everyone over break!

Remiscing

My family decided to watch a movie and me, being the responsible student that I am, decided to go study instead. One hulu episode and 30 minutes of facebooking later I decided it was time to hit the books. However, fate was to intervene. I glanced up at my bulletin-turned-quote board that I made at the beginning of high school.

To give you a better vision: the background is black paper, and about 3/4 of it is full with decoratively cut-out quotes that were printed in all different colors. I took a random approach to picking quotes - some funny, some inspirational, some romantic, some just random (when I got tired of looking but needed more to fill up my board) The last 1/4 of the board is a little chaotic - school projects, old corsages from dances, track ribbons, pictures of friends, notes from loved ones, pictures, etc.

I was hit with a wave of reminiscing over the good times I've had in the past. The incredible people I've had a chance to meet. The talented teams I was on that allowed me to cut our net down year after year, the chance to compete at State in track and basketball. The great prom dates, and the stupid ones too <3 My friends from childhood, and those that I picked up later in life :) All of them who accepted me for my crazy goofy self. Even though I didn't intend to write a thanksgiving blog, I guess I kind of am. Even though I haven't always taken the easiest path, I am so so glad that I took the one I did. I may not of been grateful to have been stuck in Burbank for 16 years of my life, but as it turns out, I had pretty dang good childhood. I may have picked the wrong school to go to originally, but hey, I'm at the right one now. I may have picked the wrong people to trust and give my heart too, but I now I know who really has my back. When it comes down to it, as one of my quotes says "It's about the journey, not the destination"

Anywhooo, I'm going to cut myself off before I bore you, BUT, for those of you who wish to continue, I'm going to list some of my favorite quotes from my quote board. I'll just admit it right now, I love cheesy quotes, so for all you haters out there.....suck it! haha jk......


"If you don't like something change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain."

"Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved"

"Success is how high you bounce after you hit bottom"

"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to EVER let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken, probably more than once, and its harder every time. You'll break hearts to, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend, and you'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast and you'll eventually lose someone you love, so take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back <3

"When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"

"What lies before us and what lies beyond us is tiny compare to what lies within us"

"The lesson is in the struggle, not in the victory."

"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal"

"When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, the we do not see the ones which open for us"

"If your ship doesn't come in, swim to it"

"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't and believe that everything happens for a reason. IF you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said that it'd be easy, they just promised it would be worth it."

<3 <3 That's all for now folks

Future Frenzy

So I have been neglectful to writing in my blog, my goal was to do at least 1 post each week (oops!) However, I have been too busy enjoying the people in my life to write. Please forgive me!

For those of us hitting the job market, November means one thing; second round interviews! (okay, maybe its just me and my habit of interviewing everywhere....) I kicked off this November with Liberty Mutual. I really liked all the people I met there and they offered me a very generous salary, but my gut tells me its not the place for me. Maybe its just that after my corporate, working in downtown Seattle, experience from the summer I was scared away, but I think that is because I won't be happy in a similar situation to this summer. Who knows though, I definitely haven't made up my mind; I have to wait for feedback from all my interviews before making any final decisions.

I just finished my interview at Boeing today and now I can say I survived my first "team project" interview. I don't like them. Especially when two of my teammates take way too long talking, completely blowing the presentation, and also, taking all of my presentation time, leaving me to just sit and watch........awesome. So not sure what I'm going to hear back from Boeing....

Interview at Foster Farms the next two days. I can honestly say that I am really exhausted and super stoked to get more than 5 hours of sleep. Thanksgiving break is going to rock! Oh wait, my family is crazy and gets up at 7:00 am. So much for more sleep.

Anyways, on top of that I've been trying really really hard to transform my attitude about the future. By nature, I am a worrier; to a certain extent its who I am. However, I am a logical enough person that I have learned that fearing for the worst does not prevent the worst from happening, it just affects your current happiness. So I've been trying not to worry about things that are out of my control, like entering the real world and having to start over again, going to China and all that comes along with that, and much more. As the saying goes "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference."

I'm mostly working on the whole accepting the things I cannot change part :)

Till next time loves! (send me happy thoughts for my interview day tomorrow! 4 nights in a row of less than 6 hours of sleep.....I'll need it)